Is there anything you regret? Maybe a relationship gone bad? Words that shouldn’t have been said? Something you learned just a little too late? Being stuck in a situation that you needed to get out of? I have these types of regrets, but one in particular stands out as I write this blog. I often wonder why it took me so long to realize that I was holding on to this regret. Why did I let this fester in my heart for so long? Why did I let it affect me so much? Looking back, I know God had a plan and maybe it just took that long for me to get on board. Here’s my story.
Years ago, I was experiencing some difficulties at work. I was headed down a career path I thought I was meant to go down. I was working so hard and using much of my personal time to accomplish goals. And while working relentlessly towards these goals, I would watch people around me work in fear or deceit. You know, when people lose their spark of creativity just to be compliant? I would watch others be given special privileges for reasons other than hard work and merit. You know, when someone gets a promotion because of their gender? I would watch selfishness and self-promotion be celebrated to get to the top. You know, when someone takes the credit for a team accomplishment? I would watch others lie out of jealousy. You know, when someone reports a lie because they wanted your position? I had striven to defend my integrity and poured more of myself into my work to be the best I could be. As I mentioned before, this all took a drastic toll on me. I was headed down a dark path that later cost me my self-confidence. Someone manipulated me to work harder for their own gain. Someone used their words to make me question my every step. Someone twisted my words to fit their agenda. I was stuck in the midst of it and couldn’t see myself from an outside perspective. I didn’t realize it, but I was losing my sense of purpose and desire to use my gifts and talents the way God intended.
During those few years, I was so stressed, it affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. I would have dreams (or maybe nightmares) where I was sitting up talking to a room full of people about all of the things that had to be done. I was experiencing nauseating migraines almost every day and would go home, throw up and do nothing because I couldn’t function with the migraine. I started having heart palpitations and could have been on my way to a heart attack. At one point, I lost a lot of my hair and a short while later had started to lose it again. I didn’t know the cause. Was it stress? Was I ill? I went to the doctor, whose best advice was to use rogaine, which was not the solution in this case. Then, I went to a dermatologist who diagnosed it with some long word I have since forgotten. But she asked if I had experienced a death in the family, a divorce or given birth in the past year. I had not and she said the stress I was experiencing was as traumatic on my body as one of these events and was the cause for this temporary hair loss. That’s when I had to take a step back and reflect on the devastating effects my work circumstances was having on my life. It was not only miserable at work, but the ramifications were affecting my quality of life.
Our amazing Pastor Uth at First Baptist of Orlando recently started a series titled, Starting Over, about letting go of past regrets. During the first week of this series, we were asked to write down a past regret on a paper and throw it in a garbage bag at the altar. I wrote, “My reactions to those who wrong me.” I wanted to work on my heart in regards to how I feel or react when I am hurt by others. I didn’t realize I would dig deeper into this thought the following week when the pastor talked about blaming others for our past regrets. It was during this message that I felt prompted to finally write this out in the form of this blog and let it go. Let go of the hurt, anger, disgust and regret of my circumstances during these particular few years.
God ended up putting a halt on this career path, much to my chagrin. I definitely didn’t understand it at the time. It would take several years for my eyes to be opened to the path He was leading me to. My priorities were being reset. My health was coming to the forefront of my career decisions. My personal life balance was getting back to what it once was. I was being led to a career path I would love. This was all nudging me towards a better life balance with more time and energy to pour myself into the people around me and more time for projects for God’s purpose, like this blog.
So, back to what I learned at church; I am writing to let go of what I experienced during these few years. To not let it hold me back from what I love to do and want to do. At the end of the church service, the pastor had filled a bag of the papers everyone had written the week before. He picked up the trash bag and said, “Don’t drag this baggage anymore. Not only are you dragging it around, but you’re hurting the people around you. It takes away your peace and robs your joy.” This experience was robbing my joy of work and whenever I talked about it, it was not with peace. This is how I am dropping this past regret. No longer will I allow this past situation make me feel regret. Instead I will focus on what I have learned and how it has made me stronger.
It has made me stronger because I will no longer allow anyone to take advantage of my work ethic. I will no longer allow other people’s lies about my integrity affect me. I will no longer worry about others who climb that ladder without considering those who helped along the way. I will no longer feel inadequate when someone gets a position due to reasons other than hard work and merit. I will no longer take on duties given to me that were not agreed upon and mutually discussed. I will no longer worry about gaining the attention of others for the hard work I do, but rather am self-confident in my achievements and am thankful to God for the gifts He gives me. Recently, I have met people who appreciate my intelligence, share my ideas with others and credit me for my talents. Amazing people like them helped me realize the difference between what to expect and what to not accept in the workplace. I, in turn, try to help young professionals find balance and know what is acceptable vs. expected.
I will look to those who are the type of leader I want to be. The ones who help restore the self-confidence once lost. The ones who recognize the talents and gifts I have and help bring them out to make me more effective. The ones who are gifted, strong people and want to help others. The ones who give credit where credit is due. The ones who are team players and work as a team to accomplish mighty goals. The ones who invest their time in building capacity in others so that they in turn can pass that on to others. The ones who may not change the world, but can change the world for one person. I am thankful to have met some amazing people in recent years that are changing my world for the better. They help give me the physical energy, mental health and emotional desire to lead others to their full potential.
Replacing regret and blame with appreciation and admiration will be my focus when it comes to learning from my circumstances. There will be and still are struggles, but my mindset will be focused on the things that can be, not the way things once were. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” If God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made, then I ought to live that truth.
My heart feels lighter after writing this. There are many more things I could “vent” but wouldn’t be appropriate for this blog. So instead, I will write them for my own personal sake. I would encourage you to do the same. Watch the church series for more insight and guidance. Ask God to help you let it go and move on. Seek help. If you want to reach out to me, I am happy to offer a listening ear. May God restore our hearts and let us live in freedom to share the gifts and talents He has blessed us with. Remember, you too, are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let anyone steal that from you.
