4 years later

Hey ya’all. Mike here. It’s been four years since I joined Jesus in heaven. I know you all remember this day with sadness but things here are perfect. Indescribable actually. But I do want to share some wisdom with you.

As you’ve learned through experience, life is unpredictable. Tomorrow isn’t promised. If you had known I was going to pass when I did, was there anything you would have done or said? Probably. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is those still alive.

Who needs to be forgiven? Who needs to be told you love them? Who needs just a simple call or text so they know you’re thinking about them? So much in life is trivial, yet sometimes it takes death to see it. Don’t make this mistake. Let life make you see it. Love life. And love others.

Make every moment count. There are definitely things I did on earth that turned out to be a waste of time. But the moments that did count? Playing legos with Autumn. Holding Macy in my lap. Going on family vacations. Being a witness at work. Hosting Christmas dinner every year. Making a huge deal out of my kids’ birthdays. Going to Disney all the time. Working various side jobs to make ends meet. Putting family first before self.

I love that you all love each other so much. It’s why I did so many of the things I did in life. To build a close family. To watch you carry that on shows me it was all worth it.

Michelle, you looked so happy on your wedding day and I’m glad you included me in special ways. And now that you’re a mom, it makes me proud to see the love you pour into your daughter. It reminds me of when you were born and how me and your mom vowed to be the best parents we could be. I chose to stay in a position at work that would allow me to be with my family as much as possible and I’m so glad to see you making those same decisions.

Melissa, you amaze me with everything you do. Ever since you were little you made me and your mom smile. And you’re still doing it, for your husband, your daughters and more importantly, for your mom when she’s having a tough day. Your daughters are best friends with each other, just like you and Michelle were while growing up. I know I helped instill that and I’m so proud you’re carrying that on.

Melanie, ever since you cut your own bangs as a four year old, I knew you were going to be my independent spirited child. You did so good in New York City and set out to accomplish goals there and you did! You took all those skills and moved to Orlando, a city I was grooming us all to live in one day. You love your nieces as much as your older sisters loved you when growing up. You’re a dedicated aunt and I know one day you’ll be a wonderful mom too.

Matthew, remember in first grade when you wanted to be a turkey for the Thanksgiving show because no one else was? You wanted to stand out and be unique. You still are! I know you’re so smart and can learn so many things just because you want to. You sure know how to have fun and play with your nieces. Keep doing that because they loved playing legos with me, so I need you to do that with them. Keep taking good care of your mom.

Lori, one day we will be united, but for now I need you to stay with the kids. After taking care of them their whole lives, let them take care of you. They’re doing a good job of keeping you busy...and exhausted! You’re the one who’s gotta be both grandma and up-da to our three granddaughters. Our goal of family first has to be carried on through you and passed on to Autumn, Macy and Maddy.

My legacy lives on in each of you. Thank you for keeping my memory alive by being who you are and how you choose to live.

Stay strong. Keep your love for each other strong too.

Dad.

Letting Go and Moving On

Is there anything you regret? Maybe a relationship gone bad? Words that shouldn’t have been said? Something you learned just a little too late? Being stuck in a situation that you needed to get out of? I have these types of regrets, but one in particular stands out as I write this blog. I often wonder why it took me so long to realize that I was holding on to this regret. Why did I let this fester in my heart for so long? Why did I let it affect me so much? Looking back, I know God had a plan and maybe it just took that long for me to get on board. Here’s my story.

Years ago, I was experiencing some difficulties at work. I was headed down a career path I thought I was meant to go down. I was working so hard and using much of my personal time to accomplish goals. And while working relentlessly towards these goals, I would watch people around me work in fear or deceit. You know, when people lose their spark of creativity just to be compliant? I would watch others be given special privileges for reasons other than hard work and merit. You know, when someone gets a promotion because of their gender? I would watch selfishness and self-promotion be celebrated to get to the top. You know, when someone takes the credit for a team accomplishment? I would watch others lie out of jealousy. You know, when someone reports a lie because they wanted your position? I had striven to defend my integrity and poured more of myself into my work to be the best I could be. As I mentioned before, this all took a drastic toll on me. I was headed down a dark path that later cost me my self-confidence. Someone manipulated me to work harder for their own gain. Someone used their words to make me question my every step. Someone twisted my words to fit their agenda. I was stuck in the midst of it and couldn’t see myself from an outside perspective. I didn’t realize it, but I was losing my sense of purpose and desire to use my gifts and talents the way God intended.

During those few years, I was so stressed, it affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. I would have dreams (or maybe nightmares) where I was sitting up talking to a room full of people about all of the things that had to be done. I was experiencing nauseating migraines almost every day and would go home, throw up and do nothing because I couldn’t function with the migraine. I started having heart palpitations and could have been on my way to a heart attack. At one point, I lost a lot of my hair and a short while later had started to lose it again. I didn’t know the cause. Was it stress? Was I ill? I went to the doctor, whose best advice was to use rogaine, which was not the solution in this case. Then, I went to a dermatologist who diagnosed it with some long word I have since forgotten. But she asked if I had experienced a death in the family, a divorce or given birth in the past year. I had not and she said the stress I was experiencing was as traumatic on my body as one of these events and was the cause for this temporary hair loss. That’s when I had to take a step back and reflect on the devastating effects my work circumstances was having on my life. It was not only miserable at work, but the ramifications were affecting my quality of life.

Our amazing Pastor Uth at First Baptist of Orlando recently started a series titled, Starting Over, about letting go of past regrets. During the first week of this series, we were asked to write down a past regret on a paper and throw it in a garbage bag at the altar. I wrote, “My reactions to those who wrong me.” I wanted to work on my heart in regards to how I feel or react when I am hurt by others. I didn’t realize I would dig deeper into this thought the following week when the pastor talked about blaming others for our past regrets. It was during this message that I felt prompted to finally write this out in the form of this blog and let it go. Let go of the hurt, anger, disgust and regret of my circumstances during these particular few years.

God ended up putting a halt on this career path, much to my chagrin. I definitely didn’t understand it at the time. It would take several years for my eyes to be opened to the path He was leading me to. My priorities were being reset. My health was coming to the forefront of my career decisions. My personal life balance was getting back to what it once was. I was being led to a career path I would love. This was all nudging me towards a better life balance with more time and energy to pour myself into the people around me and more time for projects for God’s purpose, like this blog.

So, back to what I learned at church; I am writing to let go of what I experienced during these few years. To not let it hold me back from what I love to do and want to do. At the end of the church service, the pastor had filled a bag of the papers everyone had written the week before. He picked up the trash bag and said, “Don’t drag this baggage anymore. Not only are you dragging it around, but you’re hurting the people around you. It takes away your peace and robs your joy.” This experience was robbing my joy of work and whenever I talked about it, it was not with peace. This is how I am dropping this past regret. No longer will I allow this past situation make me feel regret. Instead I will focus on what I have learned and how it has made me stronger.

It has made me stronger because I will no longer allow anyone to take advantage of my work ethic. I will no longer allow other people’s lies about my integrity affect me. I will no longer worry about others who climb that ladder without considering those who helped along the way. I will no longer feel inadequate when someone gets a position due to reasons other than hard work and merit. I will no longer take on duties given to me that were not agreed upon and mutually discussed. I will no longer worry about gaining the attention of others for the hard work I do, but rather am self-confident in my achievements and am thankful to God for the gifts He gives me. Recently, I have met people who appreciate my intelligence, share my ideas with others and credit me for my talents. Amazing people like them helped me realize the difference between what to expect and what to not accept in the workplace. I, in turn, try to help young professionals find balance and know what is acceptable vs. expected.

I will look to those who are the type of leader I want to be. The ones who help restore the self-confidence once lost. The ones who recognize the talents and gifts I have and help bring them out to make me more effective. The ones who are gifted, strong people and want to help others. The ones who give credit where credit is due. The ones who are team players and work as a team to accomplish mighty goals. The ones who invest their time in building capacity in others so that they in turn can pass that on to others. The ones who may not change the world, but can change the world for one person. I am thankful to have met some amazing people in recent years that are changing my world for the better. They help give me the physical energy, mental health and emotional desire to lead others to their full potential.

Replacing regret and blame with appreciation and admiration will be my focus when it comes to learning from my circumstances. There will be and still are struggles, but my mindset will be focused on the things that can be, not the way things once were. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” If God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made, then I ought to live that truth.

My heart feels lighter after writing this. There are many more things I could “vent” but wouldn’t be appropriate for this blog. So instead, I will write them for my own personal sake. I would encourage you to do the same. Watch the church series for more insight and guidance. Ask God to help you let it go and move on. Seek help. If you want to reach out to me, I am happy to offer a listening ear. May God restore our hearts and let us live in freedom to share the gifts and talents He has blessed us with. Remember, you too, are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let anyone steal that from you.

The Workplace

As I start my 18th year as an educator, I reflect on the experiences I have learned from, people who have impacted my life and ways I have learned to excel in my job. In recent years, I have flipped these reflections around to also focus on how I can help others learn, the impact I can have on other people, and how I can help others excel in their jobs. Most years I try to pick a motto, tagline or person from the Bible to guide my goal for the year. For example, one year I picked Esther because I had a job outside the classroom that was usually occupied by men. Yet Esther was a great model of leaning on God for guidance and God orchestrated the timing perfectly “for such a time as this” from Esther 4:14.

This year, I’m focusing on my tagline I use on my professional Twitter profile, “Committed to helping teachers and students be their best.” It stems from the two commandments Jesus gives in Matthew 22:37-40. It guides my professional goal all year long. It helps me narrow my focus when taking on too many tasks. It helps guide my communication when there’s so much to listen to. It helps me feel accomplished when the to-do list gets too long.

Take a moment to create your motto or tagline or person from the Bible to guide your goal for this year, whether you’re in education or not, you are helping others learn, you are impacting others’ lives and you can strive to excel in your job.

Now, when you have a professional goal, it can help your focus. For me, my goal is rooted in Loving God and Loving others (see Matthew 22:37-40). I have the following Bible verse on my desk, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men” from Colossians 3:23. This means that when I work hard to excel in my job, I do so out of thankfulness for the talents God has given me. I strive to give God the glory. I am not working to please humans or to manipulate the right connections to get certain opportunities or using my words to gain favor from others whether through truth or lies. Of course I’m not perfect, so I have fallen into these traps in the past. But I work hard not to. It can be a slippery slope when one doesn’t recognize these traps and lets it control their lives. Can you relate to what I’m talking about?

The so called kiss-up? Or the person with the hidden agenda? That person who spreads rumors, lies or gossips with the intention of trying to destroy one’s integrity or reputation? In Hosanna Wong’s book, I Have a New Name, she makes a good visual using marathon runners. Experienced runners who know how to run a marathon do all the right moves, but runners who don’t know how to run can mess up the race for others. For example, if someone were to stop running to tie their shoelaces, that would cause the runners behind him to stumble and fall. Hosanna explains that people running a bad race can ruin the race for others. In life, people who are in a bad place can try to cause something bad in others’ lives.

What does this mean in the workplace? When you are doing well with your professional goal and sticking to what you want to accomplish, you may encounter colleagues who try to steer you off your path with ill-intentioned words or actions. Those who do so may be coming from a place of brokenness and are off of their own path of goals they wanted to accomplish. How we handle this? I can speak from experience.

First, my identity is not in my job. This might sound contradictory to me wanting to excel in my job. Wanting to excel and do my job the best I can doesn’t mean that‘s who I am. Who I am is identified in who God made me. Again, Hosanna Wong’s Spoken Poetry titled “I Have a New Name” is one great example of understanding our identity in who God made us to be.

With my identity in being in who God made me, that helps me to see things as God sees them. Those coming from a broken path need God’s love. Sure, those people don’t deserve my love, but I don’t deserve God’s love. They don’t deserve my forgiveness, but I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. They don’t deserve my mercy and grace, but I don’t deserve God’s mercy and grace. God loves us, forgives us, gives us mercy and grace, not because we deserve it or can earn it, but because He gives freely. When we strive to do the same for others, it helps us let a lot of things go. It gives us peace. The kind of peace we can show others who are broken and may need love, forgiveness, grace, mercy.

Is this easy? No way. As Jesus was being mocked and dying on the cross, He said “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”, Luke 23:34. I can’t imagine saying this same thing if I were in that position. But Jesus set an example for us, one that we can strive for. So when someone lies about me, I can work towards saying, Father, forgive them for they know not what they say and help me to show them your love.

Going back to my professional goal of helping teachers and students, I will focus my efforts on this, but it is much deeper than just helping with things seen. It is the things unseen - showing love, forgiveness, grace and mercy. I will be striving for these things this year. Will I always get it right? No. But that’s where God’s love, forgiveness, grace and mercy comes in for me as well.

Here are some questions for you to ponder. What is your professional goal? What actions will you take and what kind of words will you use to work towards your goal? How will you react to others when they try to steer you off the path of your goal?

I am excited for the opportunities that lay ahead in this coming year. I hope that when I am met with someone who comes from a broken path that I can either steer them in the right direction or show them the love, forgiveness, grace and mercy that God shows me.

Being a Best Friend

Many times people have commented to my sister and I that we look like twins, even though we are three and a half years apart. Or they have admired how close we are. This blog post is being dedicated to my sister Melissa, as a little present for her upcoming birthday. It is about the love it takes to be a best friend and have a best friend. Yes, my husband is also my best friend, but being married for only three years, I won’t pretend to know all there is about marriage. But being a sister for 37 years, I am more versed in this area and wanted to share what I have learned about being a best friend to my sister.

Love. It is what God said is the greatest of these in 1 Corinthians 13:13 – "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."  When I think of what it takes to be a best friend, many traits come to mind. This blog will focus on one aspect – love. And when I think of what it takes to be a best friend, my sister demonstrates love in so many ways and in various forms.

I remember waiting anxiously in the hospital for her birth. I was given a pack of Bubble Yum and was almost as excited about getting to chew that huge gum. Not only was I getting a baby sister that day, but a lifelong best friend. About ten years later, when we were in the middle school years, I remember we were arguing about something and I said, “We can either keep arguing with each other or be best friends.” We chose best friends. Loving someone and being best friends is a choice and one that has to be made often. It's a good thing we made that choice too because soon after that we had another sister join us, one that is also our best friend today, along with our younger brother and they in turn both became best friends for us and for each other!

Back to my sister, Melissa. Even though she’s younger, she is the more outgoing one and has taught me how to be more outgoing and social over the years. At times, I would encounter social anxiety in certain settings, to the point where I would develop a nauseous headache. When I talked in front of others, whether in a small group setting or presenting to large crowds, I would get so nervous and one thing I would do was not move my upper lip while talking. My sister showed me love by practicing with me and teaching me how to watch my mouth, ask questions and be an active listener in social settings. This past year I attended some professional development training about being an active listener and when we practiced in pairs, my partner would comment about how well I listened. When I now present to my colleagues within my school and district settings, I am sure to smile and not let my nerves get the best of me (or my lip!).

My sister shows me love through wanting the best for me. I was single for a long time and she helped me stay strong and wait on God’s timing for the right man. When she got married, it was a huge life adjustment for me. Our best friend dynamic changed, as it should, but we changed with it. When she became a mom, again our best friend dynamic changed, as it should, but we changed with it. When I got married, the dynamic changed once again, as it should, but I know she still wants the best for me. She has allowed me to be so close to her daughters and I was able to experience so many of their daily life moments. When I got married, she helped with so many details, even though she was pregnant at the time. When I found out I was most likely not going to be able to have a biological baby, she volunteered to be a surrogate. No matter the life circumstances, she wants the best for me, as I do for her.

It takes a strong person to unselfishly love another person. Love without selfish ambition or jealousy. When someone is vulnerable to being a best friend, it is easy to be let down or hurt. That’s where love comes in. When a best friend truly knows that love is at the forefront of one’s actions and words, the negative tendencies we have as humans can be overcome. I have had friends stop being my friend which sometimes left me wondering what was wrong with me. Sometimes we have friends who we hope will be for a lifetime, but ends up being for a season and most times for a reason. Sometimes we have friends who we realized weren’t true friends or have used us. Or get jealous and speak ill of us. There are so many bad aspects that can take place in friendships that it can make it hard to trust others and be vulnerable. But when both friends choose to love as God loves and understands how the other person is trying to love as God loves, it can heal the heart and give new strength to opening up to new friendships.

Since my sister and I are so vulnerable with each other, we have our share of disagreements and are by no means a perfect representation of unconditional love. But when we do have a disagreement, we are usually quite saddened and want to remedy it as quickly as possible. Sometimes we take a step back, sometimes we need a breather, and sometimes we have to see the other sister’s perspective. This takes honesty and self-reflection. Through loving words, we come to reconciliation, forgiveness and move on with better knowledge about how to best love the other one in the future.

How does she best love me? It’s mostly in the day to day little things of life. She listens to things I have to get off my chest and remembers details that help her give me advice. She will come over early to help decorate or set up an event I might be hosting. She will text and ask if I need anything at the store since she’s stopping there. If she finds a great deal on something, she will buy an extra one for me. She puts thought into my birthday plans each year. She writes meaningful and funny notes. She supports career decisions and validates what I do. She helps plan family events so that we can stay close. All out of love.

I told my sister that our friendship and knowing I have a best friend in her no matter what makes it possible for me to invest in others, no matter how long that friendship will last.

For me, I’m lucky my best friend is my sister. I know this isn’t possible in all lives. But it is possible to have a best friend who is like a sister. All it takes is love. Love really can conquer so many things. And I love that God gave me this best friend 37 years ago.

The Words We Say (and Don’t Say)

May 16, 2016 was a sad day for our family. My dad passed away unexpectedly. His second granddaughter had just been born three months earlier, he and my mom had just signed on their dream home, and his oldest daughter (me) was just one month away from her wedding. To think he wouldn’t be part of these life events was quite difficult for our family. And still is at times. But I just want to focus on one aspect of this life lesson. The words we say and don’t say.

On June 25, my younger brother walked me down the aisle. During the time that would have been the daughter/daddy dance; I instead dedicated a toast to my dad - it was my something blue. I wasn’t even sure if I would actually make the toast because the one time I rehearsed it, I cried through the whole speech. But, as God does, He gave me the strength I needed in the moment to recite it. I remember looking around the room, wanting to make eye contact with the loved ones celebrating with us. I even remember seeing my cousins crying which quickly reminded me of how we had given our dad’s eulogy just a month earlier. So I knew it would be a difficult day for everyone who knew and loved my dad. I wanted to use this opportunity to pay tribute in the many ways he helped make my dream wedding come true. But I didn’t realize the effects of my speech until many people commended me for it afterwards. What I had really wanted though, was to know the words he was going to say for my toast; the words that he didn’t have the chance to say. It seems such a trivial thing, to be saddened that my dad didn’t get to say a toast to me at my wedding because the whole loss is much grander than that.

But it did pierce open a section of my heart I didn’t realize had been closed off. Closed off by former friends, bad leaders at work, ill-intentioned coworkers. Too often the words others say to us slowly build up walls around our hearts, blockades in our head, and dams in our personality. The words others say start to dim our light, so much so, that we run on fumes without even realizing it.

I was in such a heightened state of emotions in the months leading up to my wedding – my bridal shower was absolutely lovely and the love poured into me was like a feeling I had never felt before, working with my husband-to-be on wedding details was a dream come true, having a second niece brought even more love into our lives and watching her older sister selflessly love her was amazing. The love all around was life changing. And the sadness and loss was also life changing. During this heightened state of emotions, I started to realize the impact of the words we say and don’t say.

I, too, should have said more words to my dad and how much we appreciated all he did for all of us. I’m thankful to know he is in Heaven and one day we will all be reunited. The words I don’t say can at times impact me in a regretful way. But I work hard to not let that define who I am and want to be. Instead, I overcome that by making sure I let the words I do say be uplifting and of encouragement, love and appreciation. I work each day to look for opportunities for the words I say to be more powerful and positive than the words I don’t say.

Was I impressed with someone’s efforts at showing kindness or hard work or compassion or love to others? I will let them know. Did I learn from someone else’s actions or intelligence or teaching? I will let them know. How special was it when that person took the time to pray for me, ask me how things were, send me a note or text, or spend time with me? I will let them know. How amazing were someone else’s efforts to be a better parent or spouse or sibling or friend or worker? I will let them know. I want the words I say to be more powerful and uplifting than the harmful, hurtful or negative words others have said to me over the years.

How hurtful were someone’s words or lack of words and actions? This is an area I constantly try to balance with the words I say and don’t say. And when I don’t know what to say, I pray. I ask God to give me guidance and wisdom to see things as He sees them.

I want to be able to use my words in ways that help others. I don’t want to be one of the bricks in the wall of someone else’s emotions and well being, especially once I realized I had broken mine down and learned the harmful effects it had on me. I want to use my words to be stepping stones to someone else’s path to reaching their God given potential. As I live life, I want the words I say to be of greater lasting impact than the words I don’t say.

Read James 3 to read what the Bible says about the words we say and don’t say. Also, our Pastor recently taught from the book of James about taming the tongue. Click here to watch an amazing sermon.

If you have a life lesson that you would like for me to prayerfully consider writing about, send me a message. Thanks!

Photo by: Christopher Garofalo