The Words We Say (and Don’t Say)

May 16, 2016 was a sad day for our family. My dad passed away unexpectedly. His second granddaughter had just been born three months earlier, he and my mom had just signed on their dream home, and his oldest daughter (me) was just one month away from her wedding. To think he wouldn’t be part of these life events was quite difficult for our family. And still is at times. But I just want to focus on one aspect of this life lesson. The words we say and don’t say.

On June 25, my younger brother walked me down the aisle. During the time that would have been the daughter/daddy dance; I instead dedicated a toast to my dad - it was my something blue. I wasn’t even sure if I would actually make the toast because the one time I rehearsed it, I cried through the whole speech. But, as God does, He gave me the strength I needed in the moment to recite it. I remember looking around the room, wanting to make eye contact with the loved ones celebrating with us. I even remember seeing my cousins crying which quickly reminded me of how we had given our dad’s eulogy just a month earlier. So I knew it would be a difficult day for everyone who knew and loved my dad. I wanted to use this opportunity to pay tribute in the many ways he helped make my dream wedding come true. But I didn’t realize the effects of my speech until many people commended me for it afterwards. What I had really wanted though, was to know the words he was going to say for my toast; the words that he didn’t have the chance to say. It seems such a trivial thing, to be saddened that my dad didn’t get to say a toast to me at my wedding because the whole loss is much grander than that.

But it did pierce open a section of my heart I didn’t realize had been closed off. Closed off by former friends, bad leaders at work, ill-intentioned coworkers. Too often the words others say to us slowly build up walls around our hearts, blockades in our head, and dams in our personality. The words others say start to dim our light, so much so, that we run on fumes without even realizing it.

I was in such a heightened state of emotions in the months leading up to my wedding – my bridal shower was absolutely lovely and the love poured into me was like a feeling I had never felt before, working with my husband-to-be on wedding details was a dream come true, having a second niece brought even more love into our lives and watching her older sister selflessly love her was amazing. The love all around was life changing. And the sadness and loss was also life changing. During this heightened state of emotions, I started to realize the impact of the words we say and don’t say.

I, too, should have said more words to my dad and how much we appreciated all he did for all of us. I’m thankful to know he is in Heaven and one day we will all be reunited. The words I don’t say can at times impact me in a regretful way. But I work hard to not let that define who I am and want to be. Instead, I overcome that by making sure I let the words I do say be uplifting and of encouragement, love and appreciation. I work each day to look for opportunities for the words I say to be more powerful and positive than the words I don’t say.

Was I impressed with someone’s efforts at showing kindness or hard work or compassion or love to others? I will let them know. Did I learn from someone else’s actions or intelligence or teaching? I will let them know. How special was it when that person took the time to pray for me, ask me how things were, send me a note or text, or spend time with me? I will let them know. How amazing were someone else’s efforts to be a better parent or spouse or sibling or friend or worker? I will let them know. I want the words I say to be more powerful and uplifting than the harmful, hurtful or negative words others have said to me over the years.

How hurtful were someone’s words or lack of words and actions? This is an area I constantly try to balance with the words I say and don’t say. And when I don’t know what to say, I pray. I ask God to give me guidance and wisdom to see things as He sees them.

I want to be able to use my words in ways that help others. I don’t want to be one of the bricks in the wall of someone else’s emotions and well being, especially once I realized I had broken mine down and learned the harmful effects it had on me. I want to use my words to be stepping stones to someone else’s path to reaching their God given potential. As I live life, I want the words I say to be of greater lasting impact than the words I don’t say.

Read James 3 to read what the Bible says about the words we say and don’t say. Also, our Pastor recently taught from the book of James about taming the tongue. Click here to watch an amazing sermon.

If you have a life lesson that you would like for me to prayerfully consider writing about, send me a message. Thanks!

Photo by: Christopher Garofalo